The Only Ones For Me Are The Mad Ones

It’s strange to think the last time I really used Tumblr was at the start of 2014 - or rather its strange how much I have changed from that person to the one I am now. 

I never thought I could change this much in the space of two years. 

At the start of 2014 I was 20. I was starting my third, and final year of university. I was living in Dunedin with a great group of people, I had friends around every corner, I was sick, and I was making the most of my time as a scarfie because I was completely lost. I had no idea what I wanted to do, or where I wanted to go. I spent a smidgen of my time in class or studying, and the rest fluffing around doing absolutely nothing productive. I was bored out of my mind but I loved it because I knew it was the last in my life I could wake up at 11 watch three movies eat Kfry for the third time that week and have absolutely no consequences come from my lack of productivity. 

Everything has changed, but some things stay the same. 

Half the time I still have no idea what I’m doing, or where I’m going. I feel like so much happens in one day that I don’t have time to process the bigger picture, I just take each day as it comes and collapse into bed and don’t seem to have time to really think about my goals and dreams and how I can achieve them. 

I’m 22 now. I have a job, a job that I hate and love simultaneously, that is turning me into a person I hate and love simultaneously. I have a job that I dreamed of but never entertained the idea of having because I never thought I was good enough. But, after eight months training it turns out that not only am I good enough, I’m pretty good. I’m at such a low level in terms of skill, and experience, but everyday I learn more about how I can improve, where my weaknesses are, the things I’m doing wrong and the ways I can make them right.

I find it hard to believe I am where I am. 

Like 2014, I’m living in a small town. This is the one my dad grew up in, and where I don’t have a friend around every corner. I have no friends, no sense of social life, and no support. Work keeps me busy enough that I don’t realise how lonely I am, but when I don’t see my flatmates for weeks on end, when my parent’s are the only ones who call me, it does get a bit much. I know it’ll change - it’s not an overbearing lonliness, its just a background noise. 

I don’t care about being lonely because I realise how insanely lucky I am to be in this position. I got a job before I had even graduated, in an industry that is cutting jobs like prices on Black Friday. I enjoy my job, I like how it is changing me as a person, and I feel like the job I do, while not so much now, will do some good in the world - that the “eight” hours I spend a day will make five minutes of someone else’s day that much better. 

I worked hard to get here, and I gave up a lot. And as much as I miss the easy life I had in 2014, the fantastic life I had in 2014, I wouldn’t go back there for all the tea in China.